|
|
|
March 14th, 2006
09:53 am - Dreams
( weird and incoherent but maybe also cute and childish. for my own reference. )
maybe this is why i enjoy dreaming so much, even when it's weird, incoherent, or nightmarish - because it's generally pervaded by an un-self-consciousness that i haven't since growing up felt or embodied like i did as a child. i used to know i was utterly capable, and feel invincible. more than that, i used to feel transparent and insubstantial, like my body wasn't a thing that contained or surrounded me.. i didn't think of my body as a visual presentation to other people, or a part of me vulnerable to intentional abuse by myself or others, or even as a part of me at all.. it was more like a circumstance and a tool - a thing that was related to me like it now only is in dreams. it wasn't ME, it wasn't even part of me - i was something other than the body with which my consciousness happened to be connected. i didn't know at the time that i thought or felt these things, but the lack of concern for body image, self-protection, germs, dirt and sweat, weather and temperature and being seen naked or moving or feeling or being that i remember indicate it. i was also free from worrying about the potential social effects - the opinions others might form of me and/or the way they might treat me because - of body language, posture, dress, self-absorption, expressed opinions, being right, being smart, being feminine, being tomboyish, having body hair or small breasts or otherwise not fitting some projected physical ideal, having fun, experiencing pleasure, loving pleasure, winning, being angry, expressing pain or displeasure.. in dreams i never worry about shit like that. and it's more like watching a movie or telling myself a story - i never think about what i should do or what its effects might be - i just act and react, like every other participant in the story (although, interestingly, there are usually not many reactions on the part of others to things i say or do)
Current Music: Luther Vandross - Anyone Who Had a Heart
|
September 6th, 2002
03:37 am - foo
( this is long, meandering, and ultimately mostly pointless )
Current Mood: convicted
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails and Static X - Closer trance remix
|
July 11th, 2002
11:25 pm - james
love sucks. i've learned this lesson plenty of times already.
i thought yesterday and the day before that i was already gone, but now i think i'm at a decision point. problem is, i don't think the decision is up to me. he came out of exactly fucking nowhere, took me by surprise time and time again, and now has me second-guessing basic tenets on which i've relied for months, if not years. i think i could marry him. i'm so confused.
( long, personal, rambling )
Current Mood: effusive, afraid, star-struck
Current Music: james' mix tape
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nowishere's journal